It's 7:00am and I've had less than three hours of sleep. I suppose I'm still jet-lagged, but the real ailment is lack of discipline.
I have very few habits in life, and of those, most are destructive. Lately I've finished full-time school and I'm facing independence more fully than ever before. There are certain emotions and reactions that are typical of kids in my situation, and the first mature step I want to take is to admit I'm not immune to them.
One of those feelings I am constantly tempted to believe is to doubt my readiness. Self-reflection is almost always appalling. I'm just a kid. How will I be able to do anything on my own? My habits will stifle any in-born greatness I could have hoped to realize.
Since I talked to Caleb Baber the other day, I've been thinking about identity a great deal. I think identity is a huge factor in the struggle for a life of greatness. There are many things that change the identity we use to make decisions and motivate ourselves to overcome the difficult things we need to do in life, but I think that there is an ideal identity we can strive to become. This ideal gives us the perspective we need to use our meta-knowledge to develop systems that avoid using inherent, immutable weaknesses to overcome those weaknesses caused by habit and lack of vision. I think mastery of these systems is the key to weed out the kinks keeping us from our ideal image. I'm sure this will keep me occupied for the rest of my life.
However, even mastery of this art is an ultimately negative pursuit. Like cleaning, eating, exercise, painting your house, and morality, it's an uphill battle that will remain until we've breathed our last. Familiarity with these sorts of things is non-negotiable in the process of growing up. Entropy is a reality with endless manifestations (ironically) and it is relentless in driving men crazy. Fighting it can be one of the most difficult things to decide to do when we wake up every day, but it can also turn into one of our great joys. What I am starting to understand is that our attitude toward such activities has very little to do with how good we are at it and a great deal to do with how it matches up with the identity we've set before us.
Identity is the gemstone in the crown of greatness. It gives us purpose to do things more difficult than we ever thought ourselves capable of. It is also a many-faceted stone; one can find his identity simultaneously as a businessman, a father, a brother, a friend, a husband, a hobbyist, a genius, a conscious citizen, and a Christian. Different facets are visible in different company, different places, and different times of day. The variation of these facets that comprises a single person's identity, some times additively, and others contradictorily, is beautifully complex and is the inspiration behind every permutation in every narrative throughout time.
Thus, what I am beginning to understand and prod with my thought experiments is the postulate that there is for each person a unique identity to idealize and pursue to the abandonment of certain comforts and even certain friends. The idea is very exciting, especially at this juncture. I want to live as if there is a switch to flip and be certain of every choice I have to make without deliberation and, when pressed for justification, simply cite, "Ibid". This ideal was preached to me often as a child - most frequently within a church context. At times it seemed to be touted almost exclusively as the fulfillment of righteousness. "Pray the prayer and be saved, and in all hardship refer to that day and the path will be clear." This is a great truth that is very effective in my life and will grow in its effect more and more the older I become, I am sure. But it is only true for some of the facets of my identity - the "larger" of them if you will; hinging the weight of personal righteousness on the others may well cause early hypertension. There are so many choices to be made in life(school or work? German or Computer Science? white or wheat?), and as you mature, there are smaller and more arbitrary choices to which the above philosophy provides no reference. In my case, I learned of the theology behind an entirely other Will of God that made almost every decision appear whimsical in comparison to my expectations. I thought that if my moral identity was established the other facets would follow. I had the good sense to realize that, in the event of a morally neutral decision, a wise man could take personal preference into account. But when even that became scarce, I chose based on ease, which quickly led to the absence of both choice and (presently) a college degree.
Recently I was offered the great blessing of traveling to Laos with my parents to visit my brother, who is working as Head Chef/Manager at a restaurant he helped develop. He, unlike me, actually believed that liberal arts is a heap of bunk, at least enough to forgo the typical four-year experience. Instead, he went to a two year trade school and learned solely what he wanted to do. Then he freaking did it. Since his graduation less than three years ago, he's worked on a ship, at a ski resort, and at his current position in Laos, which required him to learn the language, and where he's already been for more than a year and a half and will likely take a greater role if he wants to. His idea for culinary school began as nothing more than a whim, but while I was excusing myself from any actual responsibility to pursue my major field of study beyond graduation, he was becoming a chef. He's been many things his whole life, and a chef for three to five years, but when the acquaintances from high school see me, Eric's restaurant is most frequently the first thing they ask me about. His dedication to his identity has changed even my identity.
In conclusion, University is a terrible place to decide what to do with your life. Also, Eric - you're my hero, dude. I pray for an ounce of the balls it took you to just go into something without knowing if it would make you happy or lead to anything greater. I know far too many fun people to be bored, too many beautiful girls to be single, have too much food in the fridge to be hungry and too much brains to be poor.
